Ren’s birth story and autopsy report.

April 4^th, 2019

I’ve wanted to write this post for a while now and finally feel strong enough to relive all the emotions of this day and the days that shortly followed as well as the autopsy results we received. Not everyone that goes through my similar situation would feel comfortable openly sharing all the details, but I find writing and the support I receive very therapeutic. So thank you in advance to all the readers.

The beginning of that day I went to work like usual but it wasn’t a usual day at all, it was actually a super fun and relaxed day. There weren’t many patients so we were goofing off and having a little too much fun. It was a co-worker’s birthday so we were just ready to head to her birthday dinner and hang out! I had a stress test scheduled that day after work. We were getting off early and were eager to get to dinner, so my friend offered to take me to the hospital early so we can get it out of the way. Plus, I was a little excited to show her what I’ve been doing at the hospital twice a week for the last three weeks.

We get to the hospital and check-in then head to my regular room where I’m seen every time. We get started just like we usually do. I lift up my shirt over my big ole belly, push down my maternity leggings, get all adjusted and they start by strapping the heart rate monitor to me. But of course, they have to have it in the right spot. The nurse searches around and around and around. This went on for a couple of minutes while we mostly sat in silence. I told her where we usually find his heartbeat thinking she was just in the wrong spot, and no luck. At first, I wasn’t too nervous we were both kind of assuming that he was in a funky position and she even said: “he’s kind of flipped.” She kept looking a little while longer and still nothing. She actually picked up MY heartbeat through an artery that runs by the baby. I felt slight relief until she quickly stated, “that could just be your heartbeat” and it was. She then explained how an artery run’s through there. The nurse stopped what she was doing and looking up at me and said it was time to call in the ultrasound tech. I texted Tommy telling him that they can’t find Ren’s heartbeat and he rushed over from work immediately. When Tommy got there my friend had left and we told her we would keep her updated. It felt like years before the tech came. I wanted her to come of course so that we could see what was going on but I also dreaded that knock on the door. We were finally getting our ultrasound and it felt like the silence could have gone on forever. My nurse was already holding onto my leg like she knew what was to come. As the tech began to adjust the angle on the monitor, you could see Ren’s little feet and legs. She then began to work up his little legs to his belly and finally resting on his chest.  She held the picture there and pointed at the monitor and said, “That’s his heart right there, and there’s no heartbeat.” I’ll forever remember her finger sitting over his still little heart on that monitor. My heart literally felt like it was being squeezed. I had never felt such an ache in my entire life. I then looked down at Tommy who was at the foot of the bed holding my other leg. I could clearly see the shock in his eyes and I began to let out the most awful cry that I’m sure anyone else in the labor and delivery could hear (a detail that I don’t remember but Tommy does).

Our doctor came in shortly after with tears filling her eyes. She gave us our options that we knew we would have to face soon, our delivery plan. She explained the different ways I could be induced and we chose the fastest route out of the options she gave. We chose to start with what I believe was called Misoprostol. They are pills that went directly on my cervix to start labor and would be reapplied every 3-4 hours. This was all at about 6PM.

I had texted my parents the same time I did Tommy so they along with Tylee and Taegan (my sisters) were there just minutes after we found out. They walked in and they knew just from the looks on our faces. My dad immediately did what no father wants to do and started making calls to the morgue and getting “pick up” arrangements handled. For that, we will forever be grateful for. Tori, my other sister that was living in Utah at the time heard of the news and immediately booked a flight and was all set to be there the following day.  Tommy called his parents in California and they and his sisters were on the road to us moments later.

I was given my first dose of the induction meds and we were on our way to meeting sweet baby Ren. Though I was completely beside myself and devastated, I had a small feeling of excitement. Though not in the way I had imagined with little cries and open eyes, I was still ready to see the little babe I had created and carried for so long.

After everyone had left so that I could get my first dose, there was still silence in the room. I had no more tears left to cry. All you could hear was the sniffles from the nurses and the opening of sterile packages. Our new nurses on shift were amazing and I didn’t mind their tears one bit. Sympathy is the biggest comforter in situations like this. Knowing someone feels so deeply on your behalf without even knowing you is more consoling than you can imagine. I’m forever grateful for the kindness shown to me that hospital stay.

The first night was a lot better than I had anticipated labor wise. I felt “contractions” but they didn’t feel any worse than what a bad period of mine has felt like. I slept on and off. They were giving me pain meds through my IV and at about every hour on the dot it wore off and I was waking up. The nurse told me that I could get my epidural whenever I wanted it. At this time it was around 4 AM and my thought process was that if I get it now they’ll have to call the anesthesiologist in. And with it being so early in the morning he’s going to be groggy and tired and somehow that was going to make it more painful lol. As you could tell I was terrified of getting the epidural.  I always knew that I wanted to get one but I absolutely hate needles and was hoping by the time I needed it, the pain would be so bad that the needle didn’t matter in my mind.

This was never posted but about this time is when Tommy wrote this entry:

“Shocked, sad, confused, speechless, sick, numb… I feel like there is so many while at the same time there being literally no words to describe the feeling of watching your spouses heart tear in two. It is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My heart aches with sadness as I sit here once again feeling utterly helpless. The last 8 months keep running through my head over and over. From finding out that she was pregnant and giving each other the tightest hugs with pure excitement. To watching blue paint cross the sky as we found out his gender. To then discussing over and over what his name should be. To shortly after sitting in the doctors office trying to hold Toni’s hand as she broke down being told that our little Ren would be born with Down Syndrome. And then for the months to come with each and every hospital visit, echocardiogram, and ultra sound where we were able to watch our little boys heart beat and little body squirm all over the place. Nothing could have prepared us for the moments that would come watching that last ultra sound. As they moved across his little body and stop on that little heart, I look down at Toni and could see the life drain right out of her face. The very worst thing that could have happened was confirmed. Our little boy was gone.

I now lay here as Toni is in the process of being induced. As I look at her while she tries to get some rest I’m overwhelmed with emotion knowing what she is going through. Right now she is sleeping. I wish more than anything I could take away the nightmare that will come back to her when she awakes. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s been through so much as it is between the tubal, finding out Ren has Down Syndrome, and now this. When is enough gonna be enough? When is something going to go smoothly? I understand that everything that happens on this earth is for our own growth within our plan. But I just wish for once we weren’t feeling like we were waiting for the next hard thing to come our way. I guess it is not up to us to know. For now, we will trust in His plan and continue to push forward.”

April 5^th, 2019

I was able to make it to about 11 AM before I got the epidural.  It was so much easier than I could have even thought! The anesthesiologist gave a tiny little numbing shot before the actual epidural and it was NOTHING! I didn’t feel a thing after that, some pressure of course, but zero pain. Definitely not all that it’s hyped up to be! I had heard so many horror stories of people getting theirs and I even had someone tell me that the pain of their delivery was LESS painful than getting the needle in their back. Maybe I just had a great one but it was definitely worth it considering what was to come. Minutes after getting my paralyzed body adjusted back on the bed, an ultrasound tech comes in to see the position he was in. Ren had been head down at just about every appointment we had up until this day. They found out that he was transverse which means he was lying on his back in my pelvis almost like it was cradling him. This was a huge problem the doctors were concerned that he would come out either arm first or shoulder first. So they needed to move him to the closest and safest position and that was feet first. The doctor had to push on my belly one way while the nurse pushed the other way. They went at this for probably about thirty minutes. I didn’t feel any pain because of the epidural but I could tell how hard they were pushing because their arms were shaking so badly as they pushed. I definitely felt it after the epidural wore off though. After yet another ultrasound he still wasn’t in a good position. The only option left was to lay on my left side with a peanut (large peanut-shaped ball) between my legs in hopes that gravity would shift his head or feet first before I delivered. The doctor sounded very doubtful and prepared me mentally that we were most likely looking at an emergency C-section. At this point my Dad had run back to our house to get some things we had set aside for when it was time to have Ren. He brought his blanket we had in his diaper bag along with an outfit we had picked out for him.

Labor continued for a few hours and I started feeling my contractions. The anesthesiologist said it was probably because all of the meds were settling on one side of my body from lying on my side for so long. They were starting to get more and more intense but again nothing compared to what it would have been without the epidural. Though it wasn’t unbearable, the anesthesiologist wanted to reposition the tube before I gave birth. I was sitting on the edge of the bed in position for that to be done and I started feeling pressure. Like something was sticking out of me to be honest. He was able to replace the tube successfully before I mentioned to the nurse about what I was feeling. She lifted the sheets and said, “Oh, I see parts” and immediately went out to get the doctor. Ren was coming. The doctor came in lifted my gown and started delivering. It all happened so fast that when the nurses tried to glove her up and she said, “no gloves, no time” and started asking for things she needed while literally holding Ren inside with her bare hands. Now I bet you’re dying to know how he came out after all of the commotion! He ended up coming out butt AND feet first, so he was in the fetal position and his knees were up. Thank goodness! Imagine going home with no baby and a C-section, I was really hoping it didn’t go that way. So the circumference of him coming out was pretty good as you can imagine lol. From the time they lifted my gown to the time, he was completely out was about ten minutes. They spent the most time trying to get his head out because of his chin being stuck. Ren Michael Register was born at 3:45 PM on April 5^th, 2019 weighing 4Ibs 5oz at 35 weeks and 6 days.

I asked that before he was to be handed to me if they could clean him up and get him wrapped in his blanket. I guess, like anyone else that has never seen a dead baby, I was kind of afraid. But after getting him it was the complete opposite. I wanted to unwrap him and look at all the details like whose feet he had and what his little belly looked like. They put a cap on him and what I wanted most was to see his hair. His skin was extremely fragile so we left it on thinking we might tear his skin. Uncomfortable right? Thinking you might actually tear your babies skin. The baby that was completely fine in your mind 24 hours prior. The baby you carried for 35+ weeks waiting every day to meet. Now I’m carefully unwrapping him trying to take in every detail before they take his tiny little body. Trying to get every picture, pose, handprint, all while trying to remember his newborn smell. The weird thing in my mind was to comprehend that I actually created this perfect little human. I mean I know I was carrying him and feeling him move but to realize that I can create that much life was pretty amazing. After he dried off a bit his hat was actually a lot easier to remove then we first thought so we got to see that he had tiny little blonde curls and that’s my absolutely favorite part about him.

We were very fortunate to spend the night with Ren. We got to keep him for about 24 hours. I don’t think I’ve told anyone this before not even Tommy but I kept the room that night as cold as it could possibly go to preserve his little body the best I could. I wanted him of course but I also felt guilt. Guilty that I wasn’t putting him to rest? I’m not exactly sure. But I wanted to protect him the best way I knew how. His little lips were drying out so I spent a lot of the time with a wet paper towel dabbing his tiny mouth.

The next day dreadfully came and we knew what we had to do. We had all our family back to say their last goodbyes and hang out a bit before we handed him off to the corner. We had some alone time before we gave him up and though I already posted this, this is what I wrote during this time and feel that it portrays all my emotions that I felt in that exact moment:

“Ren, I’m sitting here in my hospital bed next to you and I can’t help but feel all the emotions at once. Your lips have turned dark and you’ve lost all the color in your face. They keep coming in to ask about our funeral arrangements and when they should take you. I can’t help but to be triggered when I hear the new baby cry’s coming from down the hall. That was supposed to be you. That was what we planned for. You were supposed to come home in your brand new car seat we got for you. You were supposed to sleep in the bassinet we already have ready for you next to our bed. You were supposed to keep us up all night for feedings and make us exhausted. You were supposed to wear the tiny newborn diapers we already have stashed around the house. You were supposed to meet your big sister Teva. You were supposed to be in our lives. I’m afraid to go home. I’m afraid to see your perfectly set up room and be there without you. I’m afraid to see all the gifts you were blessed with that are still in boxes. I’m afraid for our families to trickle back home to their lives. I’m afraid for what has to become our new normal. I’m afraid to be without you. When you were born I was still in shock and I was afraid to look and for that I’m sorry. You’re so beautiful. I’m grateful for the way you have changed me and the way I see life and people. I’m grateful for the hours we are able to hold you and touch your sweet face before they take you. I’m grateful that you were apart of our plan. I know your spirit is where you’re truly supposed to be. I know you’re surrounded with love and family in heaven. I’ll keep Daddy company and you do the same with your future brothers and sisters. Your spirit is sweet and we feel your peace. You’ll always be our baby boy. Until we meet again sweet baby. Love, your Mama.”

Shortly after writing this we got a knock on the door and it was the man that was sent to get Ren. He said, “I’m John, I’m sorry for your loss, I’m here to take Ren back to the funeral home where he’ll be kept until he is taken to his autopsy in Seattle.” I knew it was coming but I didn’t know how hard it was actually going to be. We asked for a couple more minutes to say our final goodbyes, which consisted of many many tears, cuddles, and “I love yous.” When the time came, I couldn’t get myself to physically lay Ren in the box that would be used to transport him to the funeral home. I turned to Tommy and asked him if it was okay with him to do it. He agreed, but I could see his heart rip in two as he carried Ren to the transport box. As tears streamed down his face I could hear him whisper, “I’m sorry buddy” while he laid him down in the little box. He then came back and hugged me saying that he feels as though it is his job to protect and care for him. And that it is hard to hand him off to a stranger to care for him. The man then came in the room to check if Ren had been placed in the box. We both shook our heads and just like that, Ren was gone.

Leaving the hospital empty-handed was very emotional. I tried hiding my face in Tommy’s chest on our way out. I couldn’t help but think of how that was supposed to go so differently. We were supposed to be proud parents walking out with a new baby in his new car seat and in his brand new newborn outfit that we had pre-picked for him. Getting home we had a house full of family and friends and I was very grateful for that. Being alone wouldn’t have been the best thing for me. Even a week or so after that I still had my family coming over every day just because they knew I didn’t want to be alone. I remember walking in and hardly being able to hold my eyes open because they were almost swollen shut from crying so much. I didn’t know that was even possible. We were able to hang out and visit with everyone before heading to bed. You’d think it would have been a hard night to sleep but I had zero energy left. I slept so hard that I woke up in the same position I had fallen asleep in. As I turned over and opened my eyes I looked at Ren’s empty bassinet we had set up a week or so prior.  We actually just took it out of our room a couple of days ago.

Now for the autopsy results and probably why you’re still reading! I have a blood clotting disorder called factor V Leiden. I was taking nightly shots in my stomach of Lovenox (Enoxaparin Sodium Injection) from the moment we found out that we were pregnant. My biggest worry was that it was a blood clot. I was afraid that if he got a blood clot it was due to me missing a day of shots or not getting them done at the same time every day. I was so afraid that I’d have to live with that guilt. We got the results about 5 weeks after he was born, well actually Tommy did. He actually hid them from me until my 6-week postpartum appointment with our doctor so that she could explain the results. Right, when my placenta was delivered they immediately noticed two dark hard spots on it and we know how that it was caused by something called an Infarction. So basically blood clots were formed in the vessels of my placenta in those areas and stopped the blood flow. They believe his actual death diagnoses is called Fetal Vascular Malperfusion. So he wasn’t getting the necessary blood flow to his body. I had a million questions for our doctor such as if I could have caused it or if they believe it was due to my disorder. She made it very aware that there isn’t even data to show that my shots even reach the placenta. The Levenox shots I was taking were strictly for blood clots within myself. But at this point, they did believe that the clotting was due to my disorder. My doctor suggested I see a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist in Seattle to go over my results with us to be sure that there’s not anything we can do for our next pregnancy. So that’s exactly what we did and got the soonest available appointment. The MFMS reassured me that she doesn’t believe the blood clotting disorder had anything to do with it at all. She actually believes that it had something to do with Ren’s Down syndrome. She said that they can have their own underlying blood disorders and she believes that the clots were formed from his blood. We originally thought with our next pregnancy that we would have to up all the dosing of my injections, but that also isn’t the case. She said the chances of this happening again are very low. So that’s very reassuring, but I don’t doubt that our next will be anxiety filled pregnancy. I find comfort in knowing that it had to do with Ren himself. He was given Down syndrome for a reason and I know that his passing was meant to be. It just makes me feel better that it was something Heavenly Father had given him and not caused by my body failing him.

Everyone bonds with their child in the womb, but because we knew Ren had Down Syndrome very early on I feel like we got to know him so deeply. I’ve gotten a few comments about how maybe Ren’s passing was a blessing to us because having him would have been a hard life. I don’t disagree that there would have been challenges, but it was definitely one we were very prepared for and one that we were more than willing to endure. My peace comes from knowing HE won’t have to physically and mentally endure the evils that this world has to offer. HE won’t know what it’s like to be looked at funny or bullied.  I think that’s all any mother could want is to protect their child. We believe from a religious standpoint that we were sent here to be tested. Tested to see if we can uphold our faith and stand up against Satan’s temptations. We believe Ren’s spirit was literally too perfect for this world, too perfect to need to be tried and tested. So perfect that Heavenly Father wanted him home. Despite the situation of losing Ren, I honestly don’t think the delivery could have gone any better. My stress level was way down and I hardly felt any pain at all. Though Ren’s passing was almost unbearable, I really do feel blessed at how smoothly our hospital stay went. When Ren was born there was an unbelievably sweet spirit that filled the room. He brought so much peace and comfort with him that day. Our autopsy results, though still tragic, we are reassured that Ren’s time on earth was short for a reason and that one day we will be able to bring his siblings into the world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and remembering our sweet Ren with us.